Refined.

Refined by the fire

THEN: October 17-19, 2020

Amy here.

These next couple off days were a whirlwind of events.  Matt and I spent a LOT of time in prayer.  My blood pressure was through the roof and they were having a hard time regulating it.  Briar was doing as well as could be expected.  Her heart rate was good and she was healthy.  My body, however, wasn’t cooperating.  I got the official diagnosis of severe preeclampsia and was told that I would eventually deliver Briar early.  I am stubborn.  Doctors would have liked to have taken her the day that I was admitted, but I wasn’t ready for that.  I wanted her to have as long as possible.  

On Sunday, my body finally started regulating and the doctors seemed hopeful that I might even be able to be transferred back to Tulsa for care there.  I tried not to get my hopes up.  But, I decided to send Matthew home for a few days.  As far as I knew, it was only a waiting game.  I had started to wrap my mind around a long stay.  So, Matthew ended up leaving on Sunday night.  
Overnight on Sunday, my body started acting up again.  By mid-morning Monday, it was pretty clear that we would be delivering soon.  Matt rushed back to Springfield.  Within 10 minutes of his arrival, the doctors walked into the room with our delivery plan.  Ready or not, she was coming.   

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.“ -Isaiah 43:2

NOW: October 20, 2021

Looking back on the events that were taking place just one short year ago - I am reminded of the thoughts and feelings that were running through my mind. I was scared. I was alone some of the time because Matt had to leave to get back to work. I was confused. I was mad. I didn’t understand why this had to be happening after we had already gone through so much to get to that point. I was questioning God. There were times that I definitely felt isolated and that He wasn’t with me.

The events of the past couple of days parallel them in a lot of ways. I have spent time wrestling with ideas and wondering why things have to be the way they are. We are back at square one with our fertility journey. That alone is unbelievably daunting.

The past few days, my mind has been a playground for the enemy. Negative thoughts have taken over. Harsh words replaying over and over in my head, “You’re not good enough,” “You’ll never be a parent,” “Your God doesn’t love you enough to save you from this,” - you know the kind. And, for a few days in a row, I have had one quieter voice whispering two words to me when the dark thoughts were taking over. “REFINER’S FIRE.” I recognized that voice as one that sustained me. I knew that there was meaning behind that, but to be honest, I didn’t take time to really delve into the scripture to see what I could find. I was too overwhelmed to even begin to figure that out.

Today on the way to school, I was pleading with God to show me that He was with me. Again, things weren’t happening the way that I expected. Again, we were facing giants that I didn’t want to face. Again, I was feeling alone and scared. I just needed a sign that He was indeed listening to me.

Once I arrived at school, I noticed several text messages from various people. One of them came from a close friend in my hometown. I have known her and her family for years. Her text thanked me for my words yesterday and asked for prayers for her daughter. She was facing grief of her own, and she wanted me to know about it. I immediately asked if it was okay if I reached out to her daughter. I knew that even a small message could make all the difference. I pulled out my phone and immediately clicked on Pinterest, because let’s be honest, Pinterest has everything. I searched for “words of encouragement” with the intention of screen shotting a cute note and texting my friend. The very first thing that popped up was this picture…

I teach 4th graders. I am also known for showing up to school with 1 minute to spare on a good day before the circus comes in. I didn’t have much time, so I quickly took a screen shot of the verse. And - for good measure - I decided to look up the verse. I wanted to be sure it wasn’t paraphrasing something that was irrelevant for the situation. The next minute of my day almost brought me to my knees. Chill bumps. There it was. REFINER’S FIRE suddenly made all the sense in the world.

Now, stick with me here. I’m sure it feels as if I’m all over the place. (Well - let’s be honest - that’s just me. Sorry, not sorry. FOCUS Amy!) The minute I saw that verse and those words, I remembered a devo that I had given as a freshman in college. I was young and had little experience in life. And actually, I gave the devotional to the same girl I was trying to encourage today. Now, we have a few more years under our belt. The message was powerful then, but man - does it ever hold more weight now. I quickly looked up the devo and read it…

In the midst of searching for a quick pick-me-up for a friend who is facing a hard time - God showed up. For the first time in a couple of days, I felt peace flood over me. Who was I to assume He wasn’t by my side. He goes before me. He knew exactly what I would need today. I have come to realize that the small whispers in a day hold weight. And, His voice and encouragement can come in the most surprising of places.

Although I don’t necessarily like the idea of being held to the fire, I do desire for His image to be seen in me. The events of the past year have helped to shape me into a much better person. I definitely hope that this specific act of purifying is almost over. The trials have seemed to last forever. However, I am not naive to think that this is the only time God will need to shape me into something to bring his kingdom glory. I can rest assured that the fire will not destroy nor harm me.

In the midst of trying to bless someone else, I was blessed. That’s how God works though. It isn’t called The Living Word for nothing. I can’t help but to be encouraged. No matter the outcome, He has a bigger plan for us. I hope this encourages you, as it did me.