A Coffee Break
Y’all. 2022 was a complete blur. I liken it to the view out of a window while driving on a busy highway. Over the past couple of months, I have spent time collecting my thoughts and reminiscing on a year that felt unrelenting. Many have asked how we are doing and where we are at in our journey. And, while I haven’t posted in a long time - a lot of life has happened. In our moments with Briar and in the hospital, one thing was very clear to us. We wanted to be able to use our story as a testimony of God’s grace and provision. It’s high time I catch you up on the steps we’ve taken, the obstacles we have faced, and the constant pick-me-ups from our loving Father.
For several years, I have felt the urge to do something bigger with my career. I can’t explain the nudge that I constantly felt, but I knew that I would eventually get out of teaching. The feeling came about a year before we had Briar and it was just enough to get something on my mind. One day, soon after I returned to work from losing her, I had a very tangible thought. I knew in that moment, and through a lot of prayer, that I should be working in the counseling field. That very day, I applied to grad school. There wasn’t a question in my mind of what I should be doing. I finally had the answer to my questioning surrounding my career. The application and acceptance process took months. And now, I am in my 2nd semester of grad school. While I will always love my time with children in my classroom, I feel an acute focus on helping others who are walking in grief and loss. I know this is the path that He has set out for me and I am loving every minute of grad school. In short, I will be “retiring” from the classroom after next year. I find it quite ironic that it is all ending right about the same time that education in our state is at an all-time low. Teachers and administrators are minimized daily by the legislation and frustration is at an all time high. Ironic? Maybe not. Years ago - those nudges were meaningful. God goes before me, and I rest in that.
Our infertility journey is still just that…a journey. COVID brought a series of layoffs for Matthew. He had worked in the oil and gas industry for years. Looking back, there were times when the stress was high. But, we were always provided for. While his job situation doesn’t directly affect our infertility journey, it had a huge impact on the steps that we have chosen to take. With the changes in jobs came changes in insurance. And, with the changes in insurance came the loss of infertility insurance. So, I did what any other healthy and well-intentioned human would do - I took a second job that would cover insurance for our fertility doctors. (insert eye-roll here)
I had a friend who sent me an article around the end of 2021. It gave details about how Starbucks would provide infertility insurance to part-time employees. At the time, I was waiting for my grad school acceptance and totaling up the out-of-pocket costs for IVF. There was no way that we could afford the treatments that we would need. I said a few prayers about the possibility and submitted my application. Within the week, I was hired as a barista. So, on most days, I would teach my 4th graders and then change clothes and work a shift at Starbucks until around 10-11 PM. Sleep, eat, repeat.
2022 was extremely tiring. Every single part of it. I was thankful for the opportunity to help our family pay for something that we wouldn’t be able to otherwise. But, hindsight is 20/20. Man was I ever busy. I didn’t have much time to spend with Matthew and my normal weekend routine (hangout with friends, church, naps) was obliterated. I was building a house of cards, one day at a time. And, the whirlwind threatened to destroy it at any minute.
The busyness of the culture was so apparent to me. I loved every minute of working with my Starbucks crew. Serving coffee isn’t a bad gig and I got to work with some of the sweetest humans on the planet. Every single one of them brought something to the table. One had an affinity for plants and Skittles, one was a nursing student, several were in high school and looking forward to starting their lives on their own, two were education majors - the future that our classrooms desperately need, one was sassy and kept me on my toes, one was hilarious with an unnatural fear of the girl who liked him, one was a genuine sweetheart with the desire to donate her eggs one day. Guys. These people were the best. And, it wasn’t lost on me just how many of our customers never took the time to engage in conversation, no matter how hard we tried. As I look back now, I count these as lessons that I needed to learn. Behind every person at the counter is likely a person worth getting to know. Don’t get me wrong - there were regulars in our little store who we knew well. And, if I’m being honest - many of them were older. All I’m saying is - humankind is worth the pause in your day. Have a conversation and don’t get lost in the fact that you might not have had enough caramel in your latte. I still see my coworkers often and love them immensely. They made this insane year a lot more bearable - with coffee to boot.
After 10 months of working non-stop, we had made it through fertility treatments and had one healthy embryo to show for it. I quit my job at Starbucks and began grad school. I finished the end of the year exhausted, but hopeful. In November, we transferred our embryo and waited. My house of cards was holding up quite nicely. We got the news that we were pregnant and everything was looking good. I had worked so hard and felt a sense of accomplishment, if I’m being honest.
And then came a cold day in January. My doctor and his team are family to me at this point. I went in for my 9 week ultrasound. I knew immediately (probably because I know too much about what to look for) that something wasn’t right. Four words. “There is no heartbeat,” was all it took and my house of cards collapsed. All that time. All that work. All the hours and exhaustion. All for nothing. His medical team was distraught and I walked out of the office with a sense of numbness that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
I continued on. I booked an appointment with a counselor because the sense of grief from this loss, and the loss of Briar was drowning me. I continued to go to class (my second semester had just begun) and I taught my kids in school to the best of my ability. I’d be lying if I said this year (2023) was easy. Rather, it has brought yet another setback. I’d be lying if I said we had never asked “why?” Yet, here we are.
But man, God is gracious. I have learned this semester how to balance my grad school work a little better. I have a support system like none other. I get to work with the most amazing educators on a daily basis - who truly want the best for kids - no matter what the news and legislatures say. My weekends are open and I get to go to church with Matthew. My napping game is back in full force. :) All in all - I am thankful. Yes, thankful.
Time and time again, there was a lesson that I needed to glean from the adversity that I was facing. This year’s lesson - life is too BUSY. Our culture seems to be going faster and faster by the minute. We keep pushing the merry-go-round faster and faster with hopes that we will eventually catch up. Everything that matters becomes a blur and we eventually get sick. I think that my take-away from this past year can be a lesson for all of us.
Take a minute to say hi to the sweet girl handing you your vanilla latte in the mornings. Sit in quiet. Say thank you to your spouse who continues to hold down the fort while you are off making the world a better place. Call your friends and have a long talk over dinner. Watch the sunset. Sheesh - do whatever you can to slow down the day a bit and take it in. God’s blessings are all around us. It’s so unbelievably easy to miss them while you’re in the rat race.
It’s not lost on me that today - another busy day with term papers and finals just around the corner - I came down with the stomach bug. I was slammed into a resting period with a lot on my mind. Mainly - giving thanks for what I have and for what is to come. The next steps in our journey to parenthood are unclear. We are hopeful that God will see it fit to give us a child soon. We are taking somewhat of a step back from our traditional route in the IVF process. I am exhausted of the surgeries, drugs, and procedures that come along with it. We have options on the horizon. And, we can’t wait to share our story of parenthood with you one day. It is our hope that our story will help others along the same pathway.
In any case - we won’t be having a baby naturally (barring a miracle) and all of the other options are not cheap. So, after much thought and prayer, we have decided to have a puzzle fundraiser. Many of you have asked how you can help. And, we wouldn’t be here without the constant support from you. Today, as I reflect on the past 5 years of our journey, I am reminded of each person who has held us up. You have all been a piece of our journey. We will be selling puzzle pieces to help raise funds on our journey to parenthood. Each piece will cost $10 and we will write your name on the back. Once the puzzle is complete, we will frame it in a two-sided frame. On the front is a beautiful picture, but the back holds much, much more. A visual reminder of each person that God has placed in our path who has offered support and love. And, if a puzzle piece isn’t your wish - we completely understand. We covet your prayers in the coming months.
God has given me a pause in the past few months. I have realized that while I thought I was doing something good - I was not the one in control. I’ve got nothing more to physically give. We are stepping back and resting in the quiet moments. We see and feel God working in this.
My wish for you is a sense of peace. Take moments of solitude. Put your phone away and play fetch with your dog. Breathe in the fresh air. Say hello to the person behind the counter. Rest in all that is good in the world. Coffee breaks are life.
For those of you who would like to contribute to our puzzle fundraiser, follow this link. Much love.
