Purposed.

THEN: October 19, 2020

Briar here.
Today was my birthday! I was born in a big bright room at 6:46 PM. I was tiny. I only weighed 1 lb and 2 ounces. I was 11 inches long! Mom was pretty sick, so the doctors decided to get me out of her tummy. Dad got there just in time. Mom and Dad both think I’m pretty cute. I came out sporting my thinking pose. I let out a tiny cry, which made them happy. Other than that, I was pretty chill. Doctors came over to help me quickly. They soon rushed me to my hospital room with a lot of nice nurses. I have been hanging out in here, since. My room is very warm and toasty. It’s been a wild ride, so far! This is my first world debut. So, I decided I should wave to everyone.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “ -Jeremiah 29:11

NOW: October 19, 2021

When I was in 8th grade, my Papa passed away. It was my first real taste of grief. Our family would never be the same. I vividly remember seeing my Nanny for the first time after he had passed. She wrapped me in her arms and told me how much he had loved me. I held onto that but the grief came in waves. Years later, we had a family friend who lost their husband. I remember my Nanny telling me that God would bring peace to the wife. He would hide her under His wing and life wouldn’t seem so sharp. The events of the first year would have a numbness to them. She believes it is His way of walking a person through grief. It wasn’t until now that I can say I truly understand what she meant by that. I don’t know if God numbs the events of the days after a traumatic event, or if He is truly carrying you through. But, I do know that I have felt His presence every step of the way - that of a parent calming an upset child.

I have had several events that have occurred throughout the past year. At the time, I would think, “I need to write this down,” but here I am - one year later - nary a word written. It feels as if now is the time to share my thoughts as the year anniversary of Briar’s birthday is upon us. I will attempt to write what is on my mind this week as they parallel the events that took place one year ago during our girl’s short life. I believe that God will give me the thoughts and I can only hope some of you will find solace in the fact that you are not alone. Life can be cruel and hard. We’ve gotta stick together, people.

I have spent the evening focusing on my thoughts, just 365 days ago. For the first time this year, I have looked at pictures of our sweet girl on the day she was born. Until now, I wasn’t brave enough. The memories were too painful. I had been focused on the awful events that occurred throughout the week of her life. Today, I am choosing to look at her pictures and focus on the GOOD. She was tiny. She was cute. She was feisty. She was known for swatting at the nurses and the many wires that she was hooked up to. I hate to think of the day that she would have been a teenager - I think I would have had my work cut out for me.

Today has been one of those days. I couldn’t get my mind off of the day and the weight that it carried. I knew Matt was having a bad day, too. This only added to my anxiety. I hate when he is having a bad day and I can’t fix it. I cried most of the way home from school. When I got home, I opened up my computer and began to look at pictures from one year ago. I was determined to find purpose in her life. I read and re-read the words that I had written last year. I looked at pictures. The memories came flooding back - the sounds and the emotions of the hospital room all too familiar. But, as I sat here, I couldn’t help but notice the strength that I had somehow found during those days. Strength in the Lord. Don’t get me wrong - I am a walking example of how trials can make you a stronger person. I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. My blinders have been removed and I will never see life the same.

But today…today is different. Today I am mad. I am mad that our fertility journey hasn’t gone the way that we want it to. I am mad that things haven’t gone as I would have liked. I am mad that Matthew hasn’t gotten the chance to watch cartoons with his child - something he has been dying to do for years. I am mad that life seems to be teasing me with the possibility of a child - only to be stripped of it over and over. I am mad that today - of all days - we started off talking about trauma and how it starts in utero. IN UTERO. I am mad that I even had to think about those words on my child’s birthday - my child who is no longer with me. Why can’t I be given the chance to be a good mother to a child? I feel that I would be a decent parent, at the very least.

If you’re reading this - don’t get me wrong. I have a community of support around me. There isn’t one person in my life that hasn’t been helpful and kind. The events of the day have NOTHING to do with anyone planning to hurt me. I just think that today has been especially cruel. It’s as if I’m living a tortuous existence. An if it couldn’t get much worse, I got home to talk to Matt about a doctor’s appointment that we have coming up. We need to talk about next steps in our journey - one that has now gone on for over 4 years. Ugh. Just Ugh.

A month ago, my therapist (yes, therapist…everyone should get one…just keepin’ it real) recommended that Matthew and I have a plan for this day. We shouldn’t just wake up and assume that it was going to be an average day. At the time, we planned to order Briar a cake and remember her. We would go out to eat at one of our local places. We would focus on the blessings that have been present throughout this year. Today, as I got home, I saw the beautiful cake that had been dropped off for her. It just made me more mad. I definitely did NOT feel like celebrating. Matt didn’t either. We decided to ignore texts and calls (sometimes you just need a minute to regroup) and order pizza and a whole 2 liter of real Dr. Pepper (if you’re gonna drink pop - you should just do the darn thing!) We turned on true crime. We ate our pizza in the dim lit room. And we went outside to light a paper lantern and send it to her. That was the only part of the plan that we stuck to.

A few days ago - our best friends purchased paper lanterns for us while on our Fall Break vacation. We sent them up into the sky together on a peaceful evening in the Smoky mountains. Those were sent up during the Global Wave of Light - a night to light candles in memory of children that people have lost too soon. That is a night that we will always remember.

Tonight paled in comparison. Our plan is to send up one lantern for each year. This year, all we needed was ONE, for heaven’s sake. Upon arriving outside. the wind picked up and tore the middle through two of our lanterns. Number three flew up about 5 feet before promptly crashing to the ground in flames. We were determined. Finally, after huddling beside our hoopty, we got one lit. I nearly lit my sweatshirt on fire in the process - but who’s counting that? Finally, a big gust of wind took her lantern up into the sky. The lantern ripped up into the sky. It wasn’t a peaceful sight - as the ones we had sent up earlier in the week. It whipped around in the air. We suddenly realized that it may have been a very bad idea. It was windy outside. It was probably going to end in sudden disaster. It was a perfect metaphor for our day.

Luckily, it wasn’t a metaphor for our year. Today tried really hard to kick me while I was down. But, as Matthew and I looked up into the sky - praying that we wouldn’t be charged with arson - we laughed. We laughed hard. This was just one of those days (that a girl goes through - you know the tune!) Even through the tears that have fallen today - I have been reminded of God’s goodness through this year. Reminiscing has given me the peace that I needed and the energy to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I don’t know where life is headed with our fertility journey. I do know that I have learned this year that everyone’s journey is just that - THEIR journey. We aren’t called to understand other’s choices or walk in their shoes. Each person has bad days of their own. Thankfully, God gives us good people to walk through it with us. I am forever changed by the trial that I have faced this year. I am must less judgmental of others and the choices that they are making (unless you eat mayo on your sandwich) - and much more empathetic towards people. I do not know where we are headed - but I do know who goes before us. God will give us peace with our next steps - I truly believe that - whatever they might be.

Sweet Briar - You are our one true love. You were the best thing that ever happened to us. I hope you got a good laugh with your Dad and I as we sent you well wishes. You are loved and missed fiercely. You are showing me every single day that the trial I faced with you has given me a purpose in life that I hadn’t placed my finger on before. There is a stirring within me that I know comes from the experiences I have faced in grief. God has big plans for us. And, I know you will be there - our bright star - guiding us along. Happy birthday, baby girl. We love you.

Purpose. Some days will getcha. Some days will sting. But most days - most days you can see the goodness and mercy of our loving Father as he leads us. Today has been hard. But, I have found purpose in Briar’s short life. At the end of the day, we will sit and eat cake. We will remember our sweet Briar. We will look toward the future with hope and a purpose. And, maybe that’s all we really needed.