Shattered.
Our beautiful SHATTERED Christmas ornament
My biggest fan in life…and my biggest hero…is my Nanny. Nanny is a jovial lady. The mother to my father; she has a contagious laugh and a few choice words that she lets slip every once in a while. It adds a little spice to her personality. I love that about her. She is the most thankful person that I have ever met. She also has the biggest support system as anyone I’ve ever seen. People come out of the woodworks to lend her a hand. They are happy to do it. When I was younger, I thought that it was because our family knew so many people. Good people. But, as I have grown older, I have come to realize that her support system and its lifeblood is a direct reflection of how she has treated others. Karma. Good Karma. I am undeniably blessed. Nanny has spoken positive thoughts into my being since before I was born. She has been a constant in my life. Always. So, I will do anything for her. Usually, when I visit, she has a few trivial jobs for me to do. And, more often than not…she wants me to fix something that may be broken. A picture frame straightened. A chair moved from one corner to another. An antique cabinet packed away so that she can have a few extra feet in her living room. Quite literally - tiny jobs that will never repay her for all that she has done for me.
In her heyday, she was an avid garage sale shopper. Her best friend, Virginia would pick her up early on Saturday mornings and she would hit the pavement of the small town that she lived in - being sure to be one of the first at the sales - so as not to miss any good bargains. Her house is full of “treasures” - as she calls them - devoid of their value because she has likely covered them in gold spray paint. Gold spray paint makes everything better.
Secretly….many of these treasures have small fissures in them if you look real close. Nanny has always raved about big and small things that have impressed her. One of those things is Gorilla Glue. She calls it Monkey Glue because of the picture of the “monkey” on the front of the bottle. I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth. It’s clearly a gorilla. I will always treasure the moments when I would walk into her house and she would have the monkey glue out and ready, laying next to a treasure that needed some fixing. I used my skills to carefully place pieces back together of something that had fallen off the shelf or might have gotten dropped. She still sees the value of the treasure, even when they are hiding cracks. Secret cracks.
When I was sitting in the hospital, moments after we had lost Briar, I couldn’t help but to think of my Nanny. What would she say to me? What words would she use? How would she find the good in this awful event? She always finds the good. I knew that I would need her now, more than ever. And, in that moment I couldn’t help but feel like one of her treasures. Only, I was lifted above the head and shattered against a tile floor - just pieces of the person I was before. Would I ever be the same?
In the days following our hospital stay and Briar’s short life - God showed us that He would be picking up the pieces of our shattered souls. He was in control. He didn’t expect us to know what to do. He placed people in our lives to help collect the mess. From the very beginning, pieces were gathered by nurses who cared deeply for us and our journey. Nurses that have now become friends. A piece gathered by family who took care of things when we couldn’t be here. A piece gathered by our vet and his wife - taking care of our sick puppies. (Yes, we were sick at the same time) A piece gathered by a school family who surrounded us with love, gifts, and innocent notes from elementary children. A piece gathered by friend’s visits, cards in the mail, and food prepared. A piece gathered by a church family who loves us dearly. More than one piece, honestly. A piece gathered by an elder and his wife; showing up on the doorstep with fresh flowers in hand and a recollection of their story that was all too familiar. And they lived through it. A piece gathered by a nephew running full stock towards me for the biggest hug. He’s too young to understand. Innocence and love. That’s all I needed. A piece gathered by game nights with friends who are also walking the path of grief. Their wounds are deep and they are hurting. We are hurting together. And, laughter over the game Ticket to Ride, seems to be the best medicine. A piece gathered by patio time with friends over chips and queso and discussion of our next road trip. A piece gathered by best friends over pasta and coffee - tears falling and silent moments of support. A piece gathered by family who came to us for Christmas even though that isn’t our normal routine. A peaceful holiday at home. I could go on and on. Pieces gathered.
I was confined to home after I got out of the hospital. Doctor’s orders. “Take it easy,” he said. That is easier said than done. I don’t sit well. So, in my free time…I put up Christmas early. I wanted to get out of the season we were in and welcome the holiday. I was ready for it to come. I spent hours decorating the house and getting it cozy. Each year, I look for an ornament to add to our tree. Then, I have my one of my best friends personalize it with her beautiful calligraphy. A tradition of sorts. This year, I couldn’t go to craft shows or Christmas markets. Instead, I spent a lot of my time reading Christian blogs and searching for meaning within the storm we were weathering. One particular blog focuses on a courageous woman who writes of her struggles after facing a major stroke and other setbacks. Her words gave me strength on more than one occasion. One morning, I was browsing her page when I found a Christmas ornament she was selling. It was beautiful white porcelain that looked like it had been painted with gold detail. Upon reading more closely, I realized that the ornament was actually broken - repaired with gold. The site description told that it was a Kintsugi ornament. “Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the cracks with powdered gold. It creates something greater than the sum of the original parts.” That. Was. It. That was our ornament. It was a physical representation of our lives at the moment, and honestly of the year. We were broken. Shattered. And, God was carefully putting the pieces back together.
There have been some days and moments where I have felt even worse than shattered. I was wrecked. Transformed to dust. I was worse than pieces that could be placed back together. I was much less than that. I would never be okay. But, it was in one of these moments that I read a book that talked about just that. God uses dust to completely change something from what it was to a something much more valuable. He used dust to create man. He used dust to heal the blind. Dust makes clay, which then makes pottery. Dust, along with God’s provision, becomes greater.
God has been speaking to me now, more than ever. He reminds me daily that He is by my side in this. On hard days, He is especially present. Sending me reminders that He has got this. On good days, He reminds me that there is good to come with beams of sunshine and warmth through the clouds. I’m sure that those reminders have always been there. I know they have. But now, I’m desperate to find them. He has been so forgiving and calm - the quiet voice that tells me that I will grow through this storm. I know this will make me a better person - more empathetic and understanding than before. Through the pain, I still trust that He can see the finished product and knows what He is doing.
I just packed up Christmas. I couldn’t help but to think of my Nanny as I wrapped up our 2020 ornament. It is cracked white porcelain, once broken but repaired with gold. It just might be my favorite ornament to date. It is more beautiful with it’s gold details than what the white ornament would have been before. It gives me hope. Hope of a future that is bright and more beautiful that I could have imagined. And, of course, the best thing is that the detail is done in gold. Nanny would be proud, I think. After all, she would agree - a little gold and a Heavenly Father make everything better.
*Special thanks to Hope Heals blog for offering hope in our broken moments.
“He heals every shattered heart, and binds up their wounds.
Psalms 147:3”
