Little Faith
Y’all. Life has been a whirlwind since my last post. I am not sure that words can even do it justice, but I’ll give it my best shot. 2023 started off with another blow. We had lost another child and I was at a breaking point. It was one of those moments in life that made you question every step you have taken and what steps to take next. Within hours of finding out that our sweet child had no heartbeat, we again received calls of support and acts of love. Yet again, God was showing us that He was with us - even on the dark days. But, if I’m being honest, this was the first time in our journey where I felt absolutely NO hope. It had been a long six years on our fertility journey, and I was tired. I couldn’t help but think about all the failures and heartbreaks that we had faced as a couple. Thankfully, it wasn’t long before we felt ourselves being led on a new path.
I can’t put into words the amount of people that God has given us through this journey. Some of them were expected as they were family, close friends, or church family. Others were unexpected. Unexpected gifts. Some of our biggest blessings have come in the form of our medical team. From our doctor down to the office billing clerk - they have become family. A phone call from the fertility office was a complete surprise that left us shaken. While I don’t feel that I can completely share the story without the permission of some - I can tell you that we received a huge blessing that cold day in January. I was home recovering from yet another surgery, and there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Doctors, nurses, and medical staff are true angels on Earth.
So, there we were. I can’t say that our path seemed clear, but it was visible. After lots of prayer and some appointments with the doctor, we decided to continue our fertility journey but to take a different path. This path would require us to pay some money that we didn’t have, but it was our best option. Our doctor was overly supportive and optimistic about our choice and that brought a sense of peace. We decided, for the first time, to have a fundraiser for the next leg of our journey. Many people stepped up and we were overwhelmed with the support that we received from our friends and family. We were on our way, yet again.
On a Wednesday in June, we received a much-awaited call from our fertility office. Our medical report was in. We had 15 healthy embryos that had been frozen. This path had given us a much better outcome than before and we made plans to transfer our first embryo in July or August. For the first time in a while, our fertility journey wasn’t hanging on one chance. Up until now, we would have one or two embryos to use. And if those failed, we were back to square one. Square one was becoming quite familiar to us. So, 15 chances felt like a miracle. If you know anything about IVF or infertility at all - you know that it isn’t cheap. And, most of all, there is still room for God to create life or to choose not to. In our journey, we have learned that time and time again. Although medical advances allow for doctors to aid families in procedures that haven’t always been available - God still gives the child a heartbeat. He still knits them together. Their future is still in His hands. So, while we were optimistic, we also knew that God would either see fit to give us a family or that it wasn’t in His time. Either way, all we could do was hope and pray.
We had gotten good news on a Wednesday and were headed to Kansas City that weekend. It was Father’s Day and a perfect chance to spend quality time with Matthew’s family.
Of all the holidays, Mother’s and Father’s Day might be the hardest when you have children in Heaven. While all the celebrations are well-intended, they can leave a sting. On that specific Sunday morning, I wasn’t feeling well and Matthew was having breakfast with his family upstairs. When he came downstairs, I could see it all over his face. This was a hard day and he was struggling. While his father and brother deserved to be celebrated, he didn’t feel like celebrating. He longed to be celebrated but couldn’t be. The grief of Briar’s absence washed over us yet again. We spent the day hanging out together. In those moments, we are the only ones who can truly understand what the other is going through. I was again reminded of what a gift Matthew truly is to me.
We had family pictures that evening, so we got dressed and put on our happy faces. We made the best out of it and carried on - the familiar walk we had made many times before. Still, there was a lingering sick feeling in my stomach.
For the first time, during pictures, I allowed myself to pause and question the sick feeling that I had. It was familiar but impossible. At the beginning of our journey, over 6 years ago, doctors had given us less than a 2% chance of conceiving a child on our own. But, y’all, I FELT sick. I felt pregnant and sick. At that moment, I began to reflect on some words that I had written in my blog two months earlier. Surely not…
APRIL 4, 2023:
“In any case - we won’t be having a baby naturally (barring a miracle) and all of the other options are not cheap.”
There it was, “barring a miracle” - oh You, of little faith. I began to think about the possibilities. I made a quick trip to Walgreens for a test - without Matthew’s knowledge - and the thoughts kept racing through my mind. What if? Once Matthew was asleep, I excused myself to the bathroom and said a prayer. “God, if this is real - let it be a testimony to your goodness, and let me be ashamed of my lack of faith in you.” Within seconds, I had my answer and God’s miracle showed itself in the form of two pink lines.
Matthew’s Father’s Day didn’t end the way that it began, and to be honest, we are still in awe of the fact that we are expecting without any fertility treatments. God’s timing is impeccable and I couldn’t have planned it better. I am due in February and am scheduled to graduate with my master’s in counseling in May. This year, I am working with special education students and am taking a break from the general education classroom. While this job transition hasn’t been easy (is any transition?) it has been a breath of fresh air. I needed this more than I knew, and last year, during the hardest year of my teaching career - God was planning it. My experiences in the special education classroom are equipping me with tools that I will use in my next career as a counselor.
This week, I am 20 weeks along. And, while we are celebrating this miracle, I would be lying if I said it has been easy. Our sweet baby is due at almost the exact same time that Briar was. This means that all the familiar days, sounds, and sights of the season align with our experiences with her. I am considered to be a high-risk patient so I am seeing my doctor every two weeks. While things have been okay, they are watching me like a hawk. This alone can bring some anxiety.
I have been contemplating this post for approximately 7 weeks. I was given the green flag to announce our news during my 13-week appointment. But, what if? What if there isn’t a heartbeat at my next appointment? What if I’m not healthy? What if my blood pressure begins to rise? The doubts creep in often and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling with that. At this point though, it’s getting hard to hide. Pregnancy isn’t forgiving in that way. I don’t WANT to hide it. I just want it to all be okay. Again - it’s a daily test of faith and the lack thereof.
Each second, day, and minute is a gift. This is the biggest lesson that we have learned. For those of you who helped to contribute to our fertility fund - we can’t thank you enough. You will be receiving a message in the mail - if you haven’t already. I am to blame. Morning sickness and exhaustion took me out for most of the summer. Now, I am writing you messages in moments of free time between my job and graduate school assignments. We still have 15 babies on ice, and that part of our journey isn’t over - we are just taking a little pause. And, you are still a huge part of that journey. I always liked the nursery rhyme about the old lady in the shoe, but now, it seems as if it might come to fruition. :) All joking aside - we had NEVER even let ourselves think about our child having siblings. And, while I could tell you that we plan to have a huge family with what we have been given - we are truly letting God direct our path. For now, it’s the minutes and days with our miracle that we are counting.
Our miracle is a boy. His name will be Judah. The meaning of the name has stuck with us for years. It means, “to give Thanksgiving” and that is our true intention. To God be the glory.
